So this week sucked.
I have never had this much anxiety. The bright side of all this is that I have been forced to confront the nature of my anxiety. The built-up stress from work, school and living abroad, the death of my beloved grandparents last December and anxiety about my future are probably all big factors.
What I've learned at the Cape Times is that I never want to work at an actual newspaper. This may not seem that shattering to most people, but that's what I went to school thinking I wanted to do, so this is a rude awakening for me. Luckily, journalism is a flexible degree, and paired with my international studies major I am sure I will be able to find something. I think I was also worried that my parents would be disappointed that they sent me to journalism school to study newspaper/online and I don't ever, ever want to work at a newspaper. Ever.
All I want to do is write. Both fiction and non-fiction. A lot of the skills I've learned in journalism school have really helped me towards that ambition and given me other marketable skills I wouldn't have gotten from a degree in English or Creative Writing. I am great at tracking people down; I can write well and think critically about information and where it's coming from. I know how to find a place to start on difficult projects and take constructive criticism on my work. And I have gotten a lot better at writing and learning from the things I read; authors I like and don't like, and the things I like and don't like about them so I can avoid or incorporate those things into my own work. I can also create a marketable product; I know how to define and target a specific audience and make content interesting to them. I can even work with others...if I have to.
Not that I'm trying to write a cover letter for life here. Part of this blog is just hashing out what I've been thinking about this week. But I do know that I can find work somewhere else, and that I will put my college education to good use.
I've also gotten back in touch with my creative writing this week, with many thanks to Vivian for her encouragement. Given that she teaches writing as a tool for healing and coaches people on novels, she's pretty well-qualified to push me on defining my own writing. I did miss it; writing is a lot of work and requires a lot of discipline, but I find it fulfilling.
So I'm feeling hopeful about the future. The anxiety has not subsided yet, but I have confidence that once I get back stateside and get to relax for a few months, it will. My English Bulldog Silvestre, aka the Love of My Life, tends to make me happy no matter what, so I'm excited to get back to him. And my family, I guess.
I'm also planning on going out to Kansas City to visit one Abigail Dennis, which will be great, and will give me a chance to apologize to Rhonda Dennis in person for Skyping her drunk and half-naked. Sorry Rhonda, and I appreciate the hug you sent. Somehow, I feel like this post is not reassuring you of my stability.
Yeah thanks to everyone, especially my parents, who actually got a call from my professor about this and were actually really worried. Sorry about that. I love you.
Finally, sorry for writing my goddamn memoir right here. I just have a lot of feelings, OK? I fly out of Cape Town on Sunday, so this may be my last post in SA...time flies when you're reevaluating your life.
dearest lynne, it has been so wonderful getting to know you and share in some of your writing. i look forward to your novel/s one day..and i feel very privileged to have met you in this moment of your life. keep on writing, you have lots for the world to read xx Viv
ReplyDeleteWe are Tennessee bound.....with the breeze blowing and bluegrass playing.....and fried chicken in the basket.........after a pancake breakfast. <3 Mom
ReplyDeleteI wish I could just bake a cake out of rainbows and smiles and we could all eat it and be happy.
ReplyDeleteBut really though. I can understand your stress, especially since you're already pretty much done with your degree and finding this out now, but you're absolutely right, you can do a lot of things with a journalism degree. You could apply to law school, write novels, work at a publishing company...maybe even a magazine. You might like writing for the New Yorker. And hell, since you have a lot of the worldly experiences, you could write for Nat Geo too. Don't count yourself down and out just yet, because you are far from it. Hope you have a safe trip back home and hope that this isn't the end of your blogging days!