Cape Town: Exhaustion

So this week, I went to work on Sunday and Monday and then got bulldozed by an intense panic attack. I ended up having to take the rest of the week off.

FUCK FUCK FUCK MY BRAIN IS CRYING

People always ask me what sets off these attacks when I have them, and I have no idea. That is part of why anxiety is so difficult to treat; it's different for everyone and often the cause is not immediately apparent. Work has been very stressful, so I think that's a big part of it.

"Flames. Flames on the side of my face...heaving...heaving breaths..."

My father also pointed out that I haven't taken a break in a long time, and I realized that I've been in motion for about the past two years. The longest break I've had in that period was the three weeks between Uganda and my junior year of college. I also only just realized how harrowing Uganda was. I was in danger a lot of the time and was constantly on alert, which you have to be when you're in a place like that. I'm pretty sure it wasn't the most beneficial thing to my nerves and general well-being. I don't regret going there, but I don't think that I've actually recovered from it yet. To those of you who were reading this blog during that period of my life (Uganda), I think you were aware of the stresses I was under way before I was, in terms of the stuff I was dealing with there.

Anyway, I think my body just reached a point of shutting down. Luckily, I leave a week from Sunday and I'm going home for three months, where I will sleep, write and watch bad TV and nothing interesting will happen and it will be great.

This is all I want.

I also went to a meditative center today that was recommended by the lovely Vivian Warby, who is our person here in Cape Town that takes care of us. She also gave me a lift home from the center, which is kind of far away, and it was great spending time with her. I am feeling a lot better after today. Thanks to Vivian, Katherine, Paula, Doug and my roommates for putting up with me and supporting me during this stuff.

Sorry about posting all about me! But I wanted to let you guys know that this is happening, and hey, I've told you guys about all the places I've thrown up on the African continent and made an ass out of myself over the last year. I figured if you were interested in that, you would want to read about this.